By Melissa Riddle

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, a time to increase awareness about what constitutes sexual assault and encourage victims to come forward and seek help. But too often, boys and men are left out of the conversation, as if they aren’t vulnerable to sexual abuse, assault, or trauma. Society tends to view men as perpetrators and women as victims, with very little room for acknowledging the pain this stereotype has perpetuated.

In truth, sexual violence against boys and men is more common than we think. Consider the following statistics:

  • One in six boys is sexually abused during childhood
  • One in four men is victim to some kind of sexual violence over his lifetime
  • LGBTQ men are at higher risk of sexual assault: 47% of bisexual men and 40% of gay men say they have been sexually victimized, compared to 21% of straight men

Men face a challenging road in processing and overcoming the trauma of sexual abuse, assault, and societal stereotypes about masculinity

The experiences of these boys and men often go unreported, unacknowledged, and untreated because our society has made these experiences difficult to discuss.

Sexual trauma taps into emotions that run counterintuitive to masculinity itself. Feelings like fear, shame, guilt, vulnerability, helplessness and submission, resulting from abuse or assault, are overwhelming and difficult to process, which is why boys and young men are less likely to report their abuse. Society perpetuates the myth that men are “unlikely” victims.

This is why boys and men who survive sexual violence often experience significant emotional issues, including post-traumatic stress, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and substance abuse problems, as well as unhealthy views of sex, intimacy, and relationships as an adult.

Intimacy Disorders Among Men

For men who have experienced sexual abuse, assault, or trauma, there are often lasting issues with intimacy. For some, the fear of intimacy — developing close emotional or physical ties with another person — handicaps their ability to engage, be vulnerable, and build trust, even if they really want to be close to someone.

Fear of intimacy may manifest in the following symptoms:

  • Low self-esteem
  • Trust issues
  • Episodes of anger
  • Actively avoiding physical contact
  • Trouble building or maintaining relationships
  • A history of unstable relationships
  • An inability to control or express emotions
  • Insatiable sexual desire
  • Social isolation

Often the trauma-induced fear of intimacy stems from a deep-seated fear of rejection. Perhaps he has experienced rejection firsthand as a child or witnessed the pain of rejection in a loved one. That fear makes taking the first steps toward a new relationship especially precarious. Fear of rejection becomes a sort of emotional paralysis, a self-defensive or self-preservation mechanism.

The Connection Between Trauma and Intimacy Disorders - Gentle Path at The Meadows

Fear of abandonment is also akin to the fear of intimacy. Once engaged in an intimate or committed relationship, this person lives in fear that his loved one will leave. This is often seen in those who experienced separation from their parents or the death of a parent, caregiver, or other loved one during childhood.

Other contributors to the fear of intimacy can stem from verbal or physical abuse or neglect during childhood, the fear of being controlled, or the fear of losing one’s identity in a relationship.

For survivors of childhood sexual abuse or assault, fear of intimacy may be expressed in the following symptoms:

  • Inhibited sexual desire
  • Seeing sex as an obligation
  • Feelings of anger, disgust, or guilt when touched
  • Emotional distance during sex
  • Inappropriate sexual behaviors
  • Physical problems such as pain, erectile dysfunction, or difficulty having an orgasm

These symptoms, if left unaddressed, will have a destructive impact on a person’s ability to cultivate healthy sexual relationships throughout life.

Sex Addiction and Pornography Addiction

Sexual abuse, assault, or violence during formative years disrupts the physical, emotional, and psychological growth a person needs to make healthy sexual choices. This is why, as survivors move into adulthood, they often take one of two paths: either they fall prey to the fear of intimacy and withdraw from forming any serious relationships, or they begin a cycle of risky behaviors to self-medicate the pain of previous sexual trauma.

Sex Addiction and Pornography Addiction - Gentle Path at The Meadows

These addictive behaviors include excessive use of and dependence on pornography; infidelity within a committed relationship; and promiscuous sexual activity with strangers, prostitutes or a series of one-night stands — all of which seem contradictory for someone who was previously traumatized. And yet, because survivors struggle to understand their abuse and the pain that resulted from it, they often try to recreate some semblance of the events that traumatized them to gain power or control over what hurt them.

Sex addiction is defined as “a pathological relationship with a mood-altering experience.” It is a complex condition that involves both the emotional and the physical. It distorts the person’s perception of their identity, their purpose in life, and their understanding of healthy relationship dynamics. Diagnosis requires a professional assessment, but some signs of sexual addiction include:

  • Obsessive sexual thoughts
  • Uncontrollable sexual desire
  • Hiding sexual behavior from others
  • Making sexual choices that will hurt relationships
  • Feeling sad or depressed after sexual activity

Resolution and Healing for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse or Assault

Men face a challenging road in processing and overcoming the trauma of sexual abuse and assault. Societal stereotypes about masculinity — about how “real men” should act, think and behave — reinforce the shame associated with victimization. To seek help and healing is often seen as weakness, when in fact, facing your fears and shame head-on and coming to terms with the pain requires great strength and maturity. It’s the most important step you can take toward resolution and healing. Gentle Path offers a safe, healing environment for men who have experienced sexual trauma.

Contact us today to learn more about how our program can help you or a loved one begin the journey to recovery.

By Wendy Lee Nentwig

Childhood experiences, both positive and negative, shape our beliefs and behaviors as adults. So, it’s no surprise that sexual trauma or abuse experienced as a child would carry over into adult life. Multiple studies show that sexual abuse during a person’s developmental years has a strong correlation with hypersexuality, sex addiction, and an unhealthy perception of sex, intimacy, and relationships as an adult. Even without overt sexual trauma from a parent, coach, or other adult, young men can still be traumatized by unwanted early pornography exposure or other unwanted or unexpected online sexual solicitations and interactions. Since this type of childhood trauma can adversely impact adult sexual behavior, it’s important to take a closer look.

The Childhood Trauma Connection

male traumaTraumatic incidents in a person’s developing years — ranging from unwanted exposure and interactions to sexual abuse — leave their mark. Research shows that many adult sexual behaviors may be related to childhood sexual abuse (CSA), ranging from withdrawal and dysfunction on one end of the spectrum to hypersexuality and compulsion on the other, according to “Pathways of Problematic Sexual Behavior,” published in the Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity Journal in 2012 by Michael Aaron, PhD.

Compounding the issue, males are less likely to report sexual abuse or speak up about unwanted sexual interactions due to social stigmas and stereotypes. For many abuse survivors, both the abuse and their reactions to it are painful, confusing, and difficult to comprehend.

Childhood sexual abuse doesn’t automatically mean a future of sex addiction, but research seems to show that survivors are at a higher risk. It is unclear why some adults respond to sexual abuse during childhood by withdrawal, while others respond with an endless cycle of short-term partners, dangerous or risky sexual behavior, addiction to pornography, or regular bouts of infidelity. One thing we do know, says Dr. Aaron, is that both the gender of the victim and the age at onset of victimization can be factors.

Research has found that male survivors are less likely to report or discuss their trauma and more likely to externalize their responses to childhood sexual abuse by engaging in compulsive sexual behaviors, Dr. Aaron reports. For a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse, these expectations are in large conflict with the need to shatter the secrecy of their trauma and/or obtain and maintain healthy sexual relationships; both of which require an open and honest dialogue.

From Childhood Sexual Trauma to Adult Sex Addiction

“Recent research shows that men who are addicted to sex are highly likely to have suffered trauma in their childhood. Approximately 72 percent of sexually addicted men say that they were physically abused, while 81 percent claim to have suffered from sexual abuse, according to Dr. Patrick Carnes.”

Responding to childhood sexual abuse with hypersexual behavior may seem on the surface to be counterintuitive. Why would a person willingly seek out activities that originally caused them intense psychological distress at the hands of another person? In fact, these types of behaviors are a very common reaction among those who have survived childhood sexual abuse.

Recent research shows that men who are addicted to sex are highly likely to have suffered trauma in their childhood. Approximately 72 percent of sexually addicted men say that they were physically abused, while 81 percent claim to have suffered from sexual abuse, according to Dr. Patrick Carnes, author of The Betrayal Bond and clinical architect of The Gentle Path treatment program.

Many people who suffer sexual abuse during childhood come to equate their sexuality with their self-worth. Over the years, the person may have come to “accept” the abuse as though it was the only aspect of their character which offered gratification to another person. It greatly skews a person’s perception of who they are, what their purpose in life is, and their understanding of appropriate relationship dynamics.

Suffering sexual abuse at a young age also lights up neural pathways in the person’s brain which are linked to sexual arousal. This can be damaging because children have not developed the structure to properly process this type of arousal. When sexual arousal occurs at an age when someone is matured enough to place it within a context of healthy desire and connection, it helps them develop a healthy perspective on intimacy and sex. But when it happens before they have matured enough, these same neural pathways become associated with negative emotions such as fear, shame, secrecy, confusion, physical distress, jealousy, and rage.

Childhood cumulative trauma (CCT) refers to an amalgam of childhood maltreatment experiences that can lead to a range of symptoms and problems in adulthood. One recent study at Canada’s Université Laval in Quebec examined CCT and its relevance to psychosexual adjustment in adult survivors, confirming that CCT is associated with affect dysregulation and sexual anxiety that, in turn, predict lower levels of sexual satisfaction.

Defining Sex Addiction

Much is misunderstood about sexual addiction, just what it is, and how it impacts sufferers. Some believe it’s an excuse for bad behavior or a way to justify infidelity. From a clinical perspective, sex addiction is classified as a mental health disorder on the World Health Organization’s International Classification of Diseases list and includes a range of compulsive sexual behavior. The WHO’s ICD-11 is recognized as the foundational document that clinicians and scientists around the world use to identify and study health problems, injuries, and causes of death.

In the ICD-11, compulsive sexual disorder is defined as “a persistent pattern of failure to control intense, repetitive sexual impulses or urges resulting in repetitive sexual behavior.” A disorder isn’t defined by the number of sexual partners you have or the specific sexual behaviors, instead it is marked by an individual’s sexual behavior becomes a “central focus of the person’s life to the point of neglecting health and personal care or other interests, activities, and responsibilities.”

Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse and Help for Adult Sex Addiction

“…male survivors are less likely to report or discuss their trauma and more likely to externalize their responses to childhood sexual abuse by engaging in compulsive sexual behaviors.”

Whatever the etiology of problematic adult sexual behavior, there is help available. Unfortunately, the shame that is often associated with being a victim of abuse can cause men to shy away from getting treatment for sex addiction and addressing their underlying trauma. But a clinical disease warrants in-depth professional treatment.

For men struggling with childhood sexual abuse and sexual addiction, learning to abstain from problematic sexual behaviors that reinforce abusive sexual scripts is just as important as learning how to develop healthy intimate bonds and create a sexual identity that is affirming.

For someone attempting to face these complex issues, the importance of having acceptance and unconditional, non-judgmental support can’t be understated. It is the abusive and negative interpersonal interactions that created the pain, and supportive and affirming ones will have the power to lift it.

At Gentle Path at The Meadows, we specialize in creating this space while offering a host of trauma-based services that are informed by the most current understanding of the nature of trauma and its impact on the person as a whole. Additionally, the therapeutic focus at Gentle Path includes not only learning to identify which components of someone’s sexuality are subtracting from the quality of their life but also identifying or creating ones to enrich it, helping them to develop a healthier new outlook on relationships, sex, and intimacy.